Finally

 Today at the 0830 Mass in our parish, I am the First Reading lector. I was nervous and anxious as it has been many years already since I did this. The last time was still in our university chapel (in Pampanga, Philippines) where I used to work as a clinic instructor. 

I have been wanting to be an active member of the community but something kept me from making a go for it. It is the fact of the grave sins I committed in the past and find it unjust to join church organizations  when I know I am not worth it. Until I forgave myself and open up  to God with a repentant and honest heart of all my wrongdoings that I had the courage to submit my intent to be a lector.

Today as I carried the Book of Gospel in the processional, I prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide and guard my spirituality and to continue to veer me away from my dark past and move forward to a clean path. God sees how much I am trying very hard to choose and do what is right and just. It is not easy, there are nights I want to succumb to my weak will but I deep breathe and pray and humbly tell Him I cannot do it alone. I need Him very much to firmly hold my hand and not let go.

I whispered to my mother, telling her I wish to continue to make her proud of me and show to the world her manner of trying to raise me as a God-fearing child won't go futile.

I shared the First Reading and Prayers of the Faithful with a calm and careful voice because finally, I found my peace inside out amidst the noise and torture of the past.

Healing. Peace. Forgiveness.