Just Dance!!!

Last week, I decided to go back to the gym to better achieve my physical goals. Prior to the pandemic, I made it a good part of my regular routine to drive to the fitness center. My wish to have a flat tummy, not even a six- pack abs, continues to be an uphill battle really. It is not my intention to lose much pounds as I am fine with my current weight. Intermittent fasting (IF) is something that I have developed already and I must say is a lifestyle now. I do well with 16-18 hours of no solid food. Coffee, tea, and water suit me then I break the fast at 12 noon.

At home, as much as possible I make time to do some sort of work- out like stationary bike for cardio, yoga and Pilates for stretching and strengthening. I have a bad bad back problem due to scoliosis. Yoga and Pilates help a lot so as not to aggravate the chronic and persistent pain. I only do 10- 15 minute YouTube varied sessions. I alternate with core exercises and daily stretch. What I love is these two remind me to breathe and be in the moment.

Now why did I go back to the gym when I can do these stuff at home? It is the group classes as has always been. I want to push myself a little bit further and the 60- minute workouts might just do that. I started with Zumba, it's been awhile since I moved and danced for an hour so I adjusted a bit with endurance but I managed. To be with a group of people while we strut our moves and sway our hips makes me proud for everyone. Each time I want to stop and get out of the room, I look at the individuals around me and I tell myself it is such a shame to do that. So there is the challenge.

I just dance like no one is watching. I look at the mirror, sweaty and out of breath, I have a smile on my face glad that I am doing something out of self- care and love.

Dance. Breathe. Sway.

Being

The pandemic year 2020 brought about historic changes and challenges in my personal life. It moved me, I know for sure, everyone else, in doubtful and uncertain manner. I fought and float to survive, searched and tried ways to live by. One of the most helpful is an app called Calm, I have an annual subscription of it and I strongly recommend it to all who feel the usual and not-so ordinary daily anxiety. 

As much as I can, I listen to its 10- minute meditation in the morning before I get off bed. For today and it is Monday, the Daily Calm is entitled "Being". Breathing IS important, I mean mindful breathing.At the end of the meditation comes this gentle reminder:

And each day, it's up to you to yank your head back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what's important."

Breathe. Feel. Calm.

It Ends With Us

As I entered a new world of work, I chose to place in the backseat my hobby of reading books not related to my profession. As there are tons of trainings and online assignments that I need to accomplish, I needed to prioritize my time usage. Then one night, Ate Pinky mentioned about this book which she said made her cry nonstop. She handed it to me and I gave in.

The novel is entitled It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover.  The back cover lines instantaneously caught my attention- Sometimes the one who loves you is the one who hurts you the most. 

I am not here to write an in-depth review of the book. I simply want to share the fact that I don't regret spending a few hours holding the pages, given the fact that work- related materials are staring at me at the same time.

Yes it is a love story written by the author from her very personal point of view. The Note from the Author found in the last pages of the book need to be read after finishing the novel, just like what the author recommended. I am glad I did just that.

I won't even describe the characters here nor share a brief summary of the whole story. But me as me, I folded the pages with heart-tugging lines that I now know by heart.

" Maybe love isn't something that comes in full circle. It just ebbs and flows, in and out, just like the people in our lives."

Lucky. How lucky who find love that lasts until grey hair and knee joint pains occur. Until eternal life. So I cherish the love while it lasts, my heart is created for it.

" I love him. I still do and I always will. He was a huge wave that left a lot of imprints on my life, and I'll feel the weight of that love until I die. I've accepted that."

Just like that. As is. I am done fighting what I feel. The imprints that leave indelible marks to every fiber of my being.

" In the future.. if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again... fall in love with me."

In an imaginary world where all is simple, we will fall in love with each other with every beat of our hearts.

" Just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you can simply stop loving them. It's not a person's actions that hurt the most. It's the love. If there was no love attached to the action, the pain would be a little easier to bear."

If only as the dawn breaks, the love we have for people who hurt us disappears like the darkness of the past night.

" Until this moment, I've fought to remain strong. I've fought to not feel too sorry for myself when I 'm around other people. But sitting here with my mother, I crave weakness. I just want to be able to give up for a little while. I want her to take over and hug me and tell me it'll be okay. And for the next fifteen minutes while I cry in her arms, that's exactly what happens. I just stop fighting for myself because I need someone else to do it for me."

This is where I just sobbed. On those agonizing nights when I just wanted everything, everything even my breathing to end, I  just tightly hugged my mother's worn-out housedress and imagined her fighting for me, letting me be. I miss her very much.

" He doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. If Ryle truly loves you, he wouldn't allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. That's the kind of love a woman deserves."

We all deserve a love so real and gentle. A kind of love that soothes the scars of yesterday and behind. 

" Be that girl, Lily. Brave and bold."

I hear Mum's voice telling me those words. Be brave and bold my darling.

" It's easy when we're on the outside to believe that we would walk away without a second thought if a person mistreated us. It's easy to say we couldn't continue to love someone who mistreats us when we aren't the ones feeling the love of that person."

How easy to be on the outside. To say stop loving and get out. How easy. And how arduous when you're on the inside, experiencing the love of the other.

" When you experience it firsthand, it isn't so easy to hate the person who mistreats you when most of the time they're your godsend.

Let me go back to this- "Sometimes the one who loves you is the one who hurts you the most. " Yet I know that even if love hurts, love heals as well.

And the most profound quote that I needed to see, read and say to myself over and over again:

" There is no such thing as bad people. We are all just people who do bad things."

Coz many times over I asked myself and the people closest to me, " Am I really worse than Putin?"

Love. Pain. Healing.