I Am Sorry

 I deserve an apology from me. For the pain and abuse I gave to me. For forcing myself to laugh and smile when within me, I am crying an ocean of tears.

I am sorry to me. For all the harsh and undeserved adjectives I added to my name. For hating the image that stared back at me on the mirror.

I am sorry Michelle for loving others too much and I neglected you. For destructing my heart and body to rebel against the world, in the end, it's you who suffered.

I am sorry for being so punitive with all the misdeeds and mishaps you made. I forgot the reality that people commit mistakes.

I humbly apologize for bruising your heart and soul they almost died.

I am sorry. Please forgive me.

Forgiveness. Love. Healing.

1005

 ItziBitziThoughts

• It could have been two years today, when the pandemic year COVID my heart. Now I would like to think God ended it so that I may still have a pass to heaven in eternal life and saved me from the fires of hell.
• The deafening silence concurrently soothes and troubles me as I process  how I feel while at the same time, the demons under my bed continue to resurface.
• With too much grief and emptiness, my heart lately is literally tight and has its needle-like pain sporadically.
• That because of the excruciating ache and damage it brought me, my fervent prayer remains to be this- To not love again ever and my heart's code is Do Not Resuscitate.
• I know deep inside me, I continue to love the people around me especially my family but I choose to keep up my walls and not let anyone enter my real world anymore. I do not want to run to anyone for help even if I am drowning.
• It was, is and will be me, myself and I in the most real sense of the word. I look with awe at myself in the mirror and I know I deserve more than a pat in the back for surviving one helluva ride in the past two years.
• I know that I do not have a cynic and callous heart. It has just transformed to a much more cautious and careful one for everyone who wishes to knock at my door.
• I may not be happy and I realize happiness is not what is life for. Probably it is more of doing what is right and having peace of mind knowing I am not intentionally hurting other people.
• That there is worse than crying nonstop, it is feeling the heaviest pain like it just happened yesterday yet there are no more tears anymore. 
• I do not want to just live. I wish to live a life that is hopeful of beautiful possibilities, exciting and proper adventures and authentic laughter and care.
• For the meantime, I continue to make a choice. That is to breathe, fight and survive each day with faith, hope and courage.

Life. Love. Life.