Two Kinds of Grief

 This was taken from Tricia Robredo's Instagram post, her mother Leni Robredo did not win the presidential bid in Philippines. I am devastated and sad, just like the millions of Filipinos who hoped and campaigned for honest, just and transparent governance. This line struck a very strong chord in my present plight:

" There's grief that sows unproductive anger, but there's a kind that reminds you of how fiercely you cared and that propels you to love and try harder."

I wished, even tried to hate the one I love the most to possibly lessen the excruciating pain of lost dreams and plans. But is doesn't work that way.  So no matter how heartbreaking it is, I just embrace the fact that for once in my life, I loved fiercely and unconditionally with all my heart and soul. This grief comes and goes, like a seesaw that keeps me in high and low ends on a daily basis. I wished for it to cease in a snap of a finger coz seriously I AM TIRED!!! But I guess, true love that ended no matter the causes and consequences needs time, more than enough time, to heal. Meanwhile, I am trying my best to honor it and remember what my dear true friends tell me. To be gentle to myself and allow myself to weep if I must coz they were also witnesses to what I had with him- the most real happiness that radiated to my eyes and soul. A love very deep even the ocean became envious.

Grief. Love. Fierce.

Seven

 Yesterday was my seventh year of stay here in US of A. I was casually telling this to my workmates and I discovered that all of  us remember the exact day and year that we all flew to this country. It is a date like birthdays and anniversaries, engraved in our memory.

Seven years. How shall I describe it??  Two ends of rope with opposing tales. One is like nothing has changed, it is still the plain Mitzi that left Philippines with a heavy heart, leaving Mamang and my comfortable, secure life and true friends. The Mitzi oblivious to the harsh realities of life.The other end on the other hand is the Michelle, I myself can barely recognize now. I look myself in the mirror and wonder where is everything going?? The directions are crooked, fate is unknownst and I remain catatonic in mind while my hands tremor.

As books, motivational speakers and successful people say, "Do not regret anything in life." Sadly, I have one. That is migrating here on 2015. I left the woman who loved me the most and she died after two years. And in 2020, I met the man who I loved the most but broke  and bruised my heart and soul.

Had I stay in PH, who knows my Mamang could have lived longer and happier. 

Had I stay in PH, I would not meet someone who made feel alive with his love and passion. Yet I chose to die for him to live.

Seven years. Feels like seven times seven. I am extremely tired.

Seven. Regret. Tired.