" I looked for it. Searched and longed for it. But I didn't find it. It doesn't mean it don't exist."
- Diane Lane's character in Under The Tuscan Sun, on finding true love.
I still believe true love is real. I see it in everyone but me. It exists. Maybe my true love is indeed myself.
Searched. Longed. Found.
"Every time I think someone will stand by me, every time I think they'll stick around, they disappear. I hate it."
-Kate of Ice Blue novel
Every man just disappears. No fail. I am used to it.
Disappearance. Ego. All.
From Dustin Thao's YA novel You've Reached Sam ( recommended by Tammy for our "bookclub) downloaded free from Z library:
Letting go isn't about forgetting. It's balancing moving forward with life, and looking back from time to time, remembering the people in it."
I concur 101%.
Letting go. Moving On. Not Forgetting.
It will be a year of living alone in my apartment, which actually ,I consider my home already. Adulting at its finest in many aspects like financial maturity and psychosocial independence. There were many firsts encountered along the journey which I and I am sure the people around me would have never thought I can manage but I did ,not anyhow without sweat and tears.
For 2022, my immediate wish and plan is to learn how to use the oven. It stares at me on a daily basis begging me to use it. I do use it though, as drawer for my rice cooker, ice shaver and egg boiler. I know it is unfair. So I asked my friend Jil to in-service me on how to navigate this intimidating appliance.
Today, I made the Sign of the Cross ,took a deep breath and pressed "Bake" . Adjusted the temperature to 375 and "Start. " BTS!!! What a wonderful way to remember. When the sound went off, I placed inside the salmon fillet and set the timer. I was anxious the whole time I took one shot of vodka. I was peeking through the glass if something is changing with the fillet inside. My most fervent wish was that I wouldn't create fire.
After 12 minutes, the screen showed "END" and I placed out my pink baking tray. The salmon fillet tasted mighty fine, with its lemon and garlicky flavor. Yayyyyyy!!! I did it!! I now know how to use the oven, the alienated relationship I had with it for the longest time has been torn down. Finally!!:)
Oven. Baked Salmon. Food.
I miss you sooooo much.
I miss everything about us.
Our stories, the laughter and banter.
The way you stare at me, when you comb my hair.
The way you remember all that I say.
Until when???
Will I long for you and all about you???
Love. You. Me.
With the Omicron virus surge, my desire to remain healthy is doubly heightened. One of my weapons to go to is this Vicks's Steam I bought in 2020- the start of the unwelcome pandemic. It brings instant relief to my clogged nose and freshens my breathing. And psychologically, it makes me believe that I can combat the COVID virus coz seriously, I do not like it!!!
As I use this at night, I breathe in the goodness of the day and breathe out the heaviness and sadness of it. No one to take care of me, ooppps, wrong!!! I have me so I do what I can to be not down the gutter.
Health. Wealth. Safe.
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| Cheers to life and laughter. |
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| Cheers to peace, good health and hope. |
New Year. 2022. Happy.
This site would serve as my journal for a few days until I find a paperback one. Yes I do "diary" every night for more than ten years now. I jot down my thoughts and tales daily using a pen and a real journal. When I tell this to people, they get surprised and ask Who still uses dairy? ME. Why you may ask. For a few reasons- it is a part of my routine and I am a creature of habit. I must do what I am accustomed to coz it provides me satisfaction. I love to write since time immemorial, I can freely express how I feel thru words. I even joke that should dementia afflicts me, I have my diaries to bring me back to my past life and help me remember all the events that occurred. One weird other reason is, who knows I might be a worldwide -known person and the public may dig things about me- then my journals will be priceless . LOL!!!
Today is New Year's Day. It is 2022!!! On my other blog site, I mentioned that 2021 was my best and worst year with all the joy and anguish, love and heartbreaks, trials and triumphs, health and sickness, and doubts and hope that happened. I wonder why and how I managed.
This year, I will be a person in progress, wishing for a better version of me. I know that in order for total healing to materialize, I have to start by being gentle to myself and forgiving myself for loving and hurting too much. My biggest enemy is me. I neglect to love myself.
I have no concrete goals yet. My heart and mind are still both clouded and I do not want to rush. I only hope that I can bring back love and compassion to the ME who is imperfect and flawed. I hope I can refrain from overthinking, from blaming myself for the hurt people around me feel, for caring and loving people that have grey intentions.
My New Year's wish??? I just want to see true happiness in my eyes and heart again.
2022. Faith. Hope.
